That D word

2014 has been a year filled with stuff that requires me to be always on the go, on the ball, or whatever phrases that basically describe not being able to find an off/standby button.

Just work itself has been filled with ups and downs, with all the positive data the could push a research project forward and also all the negative or contradicting data that could destroy all previous effort in building up the project. New directions, new plans were constantly being brainstormed and attempted to some small success. New personnel in the team tried patience, self-beliefs and also the control to be unjudging. Not once at work (or rather “study for a PhD”) had I felt any sense of achievement in all the effort that I had put in. All I had been feeling was how I was just rushing in and constantly being hands-on the physical work. Work Work Work was all I had (mostly) been doing this entire year.

Personal Life was not any better either. With both parents not holding their steady jobs (one switching jobs here and there while the other being just “un”employed), with a elder sibling who is doing “freelance”, with a younger sibling still yet out of the learning hall, and 2 adorable yet devious dogs…… whatever remaining energy I have left after work would be all spent on ensuring that things at home were running on a slightly well-oiled conveyor – basically to ease out any existing tension. Let’s not even go into social interactions. It’d just became too much to handle at work and home, that socially I feel like majority had become aliens to me.

So. Right after the last major work in the lab, sometime a week before X’mas I. Burnt. Out. Bad.

So much so that I think I am suffering from mild depression. Nothing felt good, not even the compliments I got from cooking Christmas Eve’s (Younger sibling B’day) dinner made me feel satisfied or accomplished. All I thought about was how much things I was lacking, financially, socially, academically etc. And by Christmas day itself I was full of self-doubt and no longer able to just feel happy. Each laughter from any funny movie were superficial, each conversation with a friend/family member was just surface interaction on my part. It’s like the world is existing in black and white, no wait, just grey, everything is grey all foggy and just dull.

I feel like it’s my fault that I ended up like this, always carrying on too much, but not having the choice of being able to put any of it down completely. Like the load is always there, always on that backburner threatening to implode/explode if I don’t pick them up.

Depression sucks. It just drains the entire life force out of you. It’s as if each time you want to smile to chase it away, it comes to tell you that you shouldn’t, that you are very tired and should just stay blank, let the negativity or darkness be your comfort blanket. And it’s like even if you try to tell people, they just don’t get it, they would think that you are being melodramatic or being an attention seeker for claiming depression.

I just hope that this post is my first step to combating this. I don’t know why, but I still feel that it’s my fault for falling into depression. That I could have done something.

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Easily irritable

The weekend before the week was not at all dull nor stressful, yet somehow the moment I entered the office for the morning’s discussion, I ended up getting all riled up and having the greatest urge to just walk out of the office for the entire day. Well, it’s not that I am not allowed to since I am technically on leave today. But rather I cannot because I have WORK to do.

Yea I know right, what frame of mind was I in when I decided to apply for leave and yet still have work to do?! Trust me when I say I have no idea at all. -_-‘”

It’s such a pain. I wonder when I can truly put down the work at hand and just stay at home for a continuous stretch of a few days so that I can clear my mind or something. With only 15 days left, I really don’t want the year to end on such an irritable mood. Urgh.

Small mistake, big consequence

In the field of research, each experiment has to be designed almost perfectly. Every timepoint, every treatment or manipulation has to be done in a way that we could compare the observations seen among each group.

Which is why I am beating myself up right now because I made a small yet potentially detrimental mistake. I had a set of samples to collect on Day 5 and Day 8. While I had happily collected Day 5 on the 30th, I somehow managed to count the days wrongly and ended up collecting the Day 8 samples on the 1st which is by-right Day 7! And the best part! I only realised it today (the 5th at 10pm!) which means that anything I needed to do to restart the experiment would be delayed another day.

And now here is to hoping that the pending booking schedule of the facilities to process the samples would allow me to have sufficient time to collect a fresh batch. -_-”’ SO MANY UNKNOWNS!! (T_T)

Not so simple…

I am always inspired by the stories people shared; getting into a new perspective of love and life. Yet, somehow I am never able to pen down my thoughts or rather never able to have that patience to pen down the thoughts into visible words.

I recently read a post by Philip (Wong Fu Productions). He talked about the 5 types of love (Who/What/When/Where/Why) in the short and how he had missed out the “How”. I daresay, even love/relationship experts cannot tell us how to love someone so that we could both make it into the” forever after”. We could probably use their suggestions to help ease the relationship along, but ultimately if their suggestions work, everyone would be with their firsts till the end of time.

We could very well do the little things to big gestures, but to some it might not be enough to keep them permanently interested. We could cater to every whims of theirs and it still would not be enough. How to love someone, is a process, an evolving process which (occasionally) makes us feel very very small and helpless. The process to love someone is just too complicated to put into simple words. It seems to comprise of many different stories from different people of different backgrounds.

No. How to love is never as straightforward as the 5 W’s of love. It is human. It is a living process.

P.S. I wonder if a mathematician would be able to draw parallels or write equations of love like how their do for Drake Equation or Bayes’ theorem to measure some form of life’s probability.

P.P.S: I apologise for the abrupt thinking process. I guess I have very little patience for writing, let alone putting my thoughts into words.

Shedding it off or just stockpiling?

When I first decided to get into the PhD programme, I was thinking more for the extra cash which I would “save” from not getting CPF deductions or paying yearly income tax. But now I kinda regretting this decision of mine. Things that have started going haywire more often than usual; yet the times I needed to recuperate from these setbacks don’t happen any easier. So much so, I am getting easily agitated from the little bumps and even after the bumps had been straightened out, I am still feeling like I should have done better.

This isn’t what I hope to end my year with; I only wish there is a better way I can channel such negative energy and turn it into something positive.

Getting on without…

It’s been a while since I penned anything down; in some ways, I guess I have to admit that I don’t really miss putting my thoughts into the written. Somehow, it just makes everything feels cast in stone, that I HAVE to face the day-to-day hopes (dashed or thriving), responsibilities and also loneliness. There isn’t a single day that I am alone, but it’s the loneliness I feel every single time.

Halfway into the first paragraph and I already feel like stopping… It’s rather unkind of how I am treating myself, being all negative when things haven’t yet gotten into that negative state. Being all closed up and afraid to open up to people both inside or outside my circle. To many, I guess I appear rather happy-go-lucky, just getting by being cheeky and comfortable with people around, but deep inside, I just want to escape from it all, perhaps to go on a solo trip somewhere nice. Yet, I am scared of taking that first step to plan a solo trip.

My thoughts are shallow. I have no inspiring ways of writing down how I feel or think, just preferring to run. You would think that after so many years, I would have stopped wanting to run? Perhaps the urge has been intensified recently. I want to travel, to maybe gain a different perspective from the people around me, but I worry about money, the things/people/pets that I would have to leave behind. I worry that I am not able to stand on my own two feet, not able to get through the tough times alone. I guess this is the very reason I had chosen not to study aboard when I had the chance, and also the very reason I chose not to let go of a hurting relationship back when I should.

The days and months and years I have spent trying to rebuild who I am, somehow, is starting to get all muddled and unclear. Who I hope to be, what I hope to become, all seemingly lost in a chase which meaning I no longer comprehend. I get caught up in trying to be a someone whom I had pictured once when things didn’t work out then. Guess in a way, pretty much of the things that I’ve been trying to achieve had managed to lock him subconsciously. It’s a bit saddening because I’ve tried not trying to feel empty.

It isn’t that I am missing him, but rather, am missing the idea of an “us”. An idea which I know isn’t a good at all reason to be in this mood. It is an idea. But I am a coward. I had the chance of grasping the idea, but I backed away because I was scared, scared of the reaction I had. For someone who had been living most of her life in books, in dreams, when good things happen, I kinda freeze up until the good thing just pass me by. And when such things do get by me, I end up being slightly bitter and cynical in my thoughts. That’s why this is sad. I can’t seem to catch that break of positiveness which I promised myself time and time again.

I wonder if I still have it in me to keep chasing…… and hopefully I would know what I am chasing and hold on to it without doubting.

How do you know which is the real you?

Here’s the thing. I have been getting vibes that I have some friends who are so fake that I am gagging thinking about them. But yet, I cannot seem to establish a clean escape from them. I mean I feel sick in my stomach, trying to put up the same degree of fakeness as they are putting up. So much so, I’m criticising everything and everyone because I cannot bring myself to admit to these people that I am tired of their facades. 

Truth is, how do you tell which are the real friends, and how can you separate the reals from the fakes? And how can one feel okay inside when interacting with the fakes? I mean there should be any animosity between people. But every single time I meet them, I am cringing inside with the statements they make, the things they are discussing. And every time I speak up, either I get dismissed or refuted for even saying things that are facts in certain ways. 

How do you tell a group of people that you don’t wish to hang out with them all the time because they also are not even bothered whether you are there or not? How do you vocalise how much you hate being the second fiddle, the second option to everything that is being planned or discussed?

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With all the above said, how do you tell if they are the normal ones or if you are the normal one? How can you be so sure that they are the problem and not you? How is it possible that a group of friends are able to make one person feel so small inside, so unsure of who he/she is inside? Is it because this person is not strong inside and is rather easily manipulated to play along?? If that is so, then isn’t the situation the person rather than the friends? If truly so, how can one save thyself? 

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It is tiring to think so much and be doubtful. It feels even worse when one individual of the group used to be your confidant.