“I don’t know what my future holds.” We have heard this statement many times from everyone around us (us included). Not everyone knows what exactly they want to get out from their life, and even for those who know now might not feel the same years down the road.
“It is a big bad world out there.” This is what the adults had told us when we were kids. But how bad is the world, no one can really describe. They can only say, “you will know when you live it.” They neglect to say why is it bad, or what can we do to make things less bad. The only way we can know is by living in it.
I’m currently living in this big “bad” world, and I feel that this world is more mad than bad. Always about the chase of something more. More. More of everything that we are having now. But in the process, we always end up feeling burnt out. Feeling drained faster and more depleted each time. Even after recharging the batteries, it seems like the capacity has dropped by 5% every single time, until one day, the battery cannot be charged whole.
Right now, this is how I am feeling. Having gone through 1 year of being a research assistant, 2 years going on 3 years of being a graduate research student, I am kinda starting to feel that this “burn” is becoming permanent. I am constantly wondering why am I still doing all these. Working long hours in an environment where the chase of “MORE” is intensifying. If it was a chase strategy with plans and directions, I think I might not feel so? Everyday I feel like I am rushing through, plowing through to get things done, but without proper mental processing to understand the chase.
I am stuck. Stuck at this point where I am tempted to just give up on all the research work that I’ve done for the past 3.5 years. To just toss it all aside because my current mental capacity cannot handle the stress that I am feeling. It has come to a point that I am choosing to postpone work because I do not want to do them… to a point where I am not interested in seeing my work being published or recognized… Everywhere I look, I am seeing things that have yet to be done, things that need to be added or patched in order to make the research seem like a complete story.
It very much feels like I am drowning in a sea of holes. Too many holes that need to be filled before I can step onto the path. I wonder very much, if I can find that much sand or gravel to fill them or I can even find the motivation again to fill them.
It has come to this juncture where all I am wondering is “Is there a point anymore?”