That D word

2014 has been a year filled with stuff that requires me to be always on the go, on the ball, or whatever phrases that basically describe not being able to find an off/standby button.

Just work itself has been filled with ups and downs, with all the positive data the could push a research project forward and also all the negative or contradicting data that could destroy all previous effort in building up the project. New directions, new plans were constantly being brainstormed and attempted to some small success. New personnel in the team tried patience, self-beliefs and also the control to be unjudging. Not once at work (or rather “study for a PhD”) had I felt any sense of achievement in all the effort that I had put in. All I had been feeling was how I was just rushing in and constantly being hands-on the physical work. Work Work Work was all I had (mostly) been doing this entire year.

Personal Life was not any better either. With both parents not holding their steady jobs (one switching jobs here and there while the other being just “un”employed), with a elder sibling who is doing “freelance”, with a younger sibling still yet out of the learning hall, and 2 adorable yet devious dogs…… whatever remaining energy I have left after work would be all spent on ensuring that things at home were running on a slightly well-oiled conveyor – basically to ease out any existing tension. Let’s not even go into social interactions. It’d just became too much to handle at work and home, that socially I feel like majority had become aliens to me.

So. Right after the last major work in the lab, sometime a week before X’mas I. Burnt. Out. Bad.

So much so that I think I am suffering from mild depression. Nothing felt good, not even the compliments I got from cooking Christmas Eve’s (Younger sibling B’day) dinner made me feel satisfied or accomplished. All I thought about was how much things I was lacking, financially, socially, academically etc. And by Christmas day itself I was full of self-doubt and no longer able to just feel happy. Each laughter from any funny movie were superficial, each conversation with a friend/family member was just surface interaction on my part. It’s like the world is existing in black and white, no wait, just grey, everything is grey all foggy and just dull.

I feel like it’s my fault that I ended up like this, always carrying on too much, but not having the choice of being able to put any of it down completely. Like the load is always there, always on that backburner threatening to implode/explode if I don’t pick them up.

Depression sucks. It just drains the entire life force out of you. It’s as if each time you want to smile to chase it away, it comes to tell you that you shouldn’t, that you are very tired and should just stay blank, let the negativity or darkness be your comfort blanket. And it’s like even if you try to tell people, they just don’t get it, they would think that you are being melodramatic or being an attention seeker for claiming depression.

I just hope that this post is my first step to combating this. I don’t know why, but I still feel that it’s my fault for falling into depression. That I could have done something.

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