Guess not…

I thought I was feeling a tad better but I guess not. Just a couple ago, I had an implosion of emotions followed by a crazy explosion episode. I had moments of clarity during the episode where I asked myself, what on earth was I trying to achieve from the outburst, which became buried in the feelings of despair and self-blame.

I don’t know what am I doing anymore. I just can’t. Just can’t find that grip on my sanity and clear thinking. Just over something “small” and I made mountains out of it. Just barely 2 days till the new year and I am still like a ship heading for the rocks.

I tried to keep faith that things would become better, that somehow I would have a grip on things and remain optimistic about anything and whatever. But melancholy somehow triumph this round. Activities that I tried to partake in only succeed to serve as distractions for the stuff that made me feel upset previously; superficial distractions which could not shield me from the pettiness of others, resulting in my episode today.

I don’t know what good there is for me to keep fighting this. It’s like it will keep coming back, and I don’t know how much more can I control my actions so much so that they are restricted to outbursts only.

As ridiculous as it might sound, but I keep having the feeling that I am the cause of all things negative happening. I really just want to hole up somewhere, hiding from the surface of the world that I know of. Just be somewhere anonymous and maybe try again. But there are so many attachments that I feel are important for me to hold on to them and just try to make them work.

I guess in the end I am reverting back to the times when I was with my ex. The times when things started to get rough with him and with my family and with the grades. I started to question myself, my very own existence, the importance of it; and before I could even do anything about such negativity, the relationship went sour. So essentially, I never learnt how to cope with self-doubt, self-blame and self-destruction in that sense.

I tried talking it out to my family (part of them), but guess it’s hard to understand the feeling per se. Or perhaps, it is just that anything they said were just not taken in and made relevant. With the latter being some kind of choice issue.

I want out so badly.

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Is it going to stay?

Just 24 hours after previous day’s scribbles and somehow am feeling slightly better? Or is it an illusion? Managed to crack some small jokes but maybe in slightly sarcastic tone? Either way, today I have yet to feel like the weight on my shoulders pulling me down into the ground. Been using Mt. Sapola’s lemongrass essential oil (aromatherapy) which I am using to ward of the hordes of mosquitoes for the past 24 hours. Wondering if this is making me feel less clouded. However, I am still viewing at things in slightly negative light. I just hope that slowly I would be in a better state to welcome the new year.

It kinda stinks having to end 2014 in this current mental state.

P.S: Please let there be no more disasters. Praying for the passengers on board the AirAsia plane. Pray there be no more accidents, no more wars and conflicts.

That D word

2014 has been a year filled with stuff that requires me to be always on the go, on the ball, or whatever phrases that basically describe not being able to find an off/standby button.

Just work itself has been filled with ups and downs, with all the positive data the could push a research project forward and also all the negative or contradicting data that could destroy all previous effort in building up the project. New directions, new plans were constantly being brainstormed and attempted to some small success. New personnel in the team tried patience, self-beliefs and also the control to be unjudging. Not once at work (or rather “study for a PhD”) had I felt any sense of achievement in all the effort that I had put in. All I had been feeling was how I was just rushing in and constantly being hands-on the physical work. Work Work Work was all I had (mostly) been doing this entire year.

Personal Life was not any better either. With both parents not holding their steady jobs (one switching jobs here and there while the other being just “un”employed), with a elder sibling who is doing “freelance”, with a younger sibling still yet out of the learning hall, and 2 adorable yet devious dogs…… whatever remaining energy I have left after work would be all spent on ensuring that things at home were running on a slightly well-oiled conveyor – basically to ease out any existing tension. Let’s not even go into social interactions. It’d just became too much to handle at work and home, that socially I feel like majority had become aliens to me.

So. Right after the last major work in the lab, sometime a week before X’mas I. Burnt. Out. Bad.

So much so that I think I am suffering from mild depression. Nothing felt good, not even the compliments I got from cooking Christmas Eve’s (Younger sibling B’day) dinner made me feel satisfied or accomplished. All I thought about was how much things I was lacking, financially, socially, academically etc. And by Christmas day itself I was full of self-doubt and no longer able to just feel happy. Each laughter from any funny movie were superficial, each conversation with a friend/family member was just surface interaction on my part. It’s like the world is existing in black and white, no wait, just grey, everything is grey all foggy and just dull.

I feel like it’s my fault that I ended up like this, always carrying on too much, but not having the choice of being able to put any of it down completely. Like the load is always there, always on that backburner threatening to implode/explode if I don’t pick them up.

Depression sucks. It just drains the entire life force out of you. It’s as if each time you want to smile to chase it away, it comes to tell you that you shouldn’t, that you are very tired and should just stay blank, let the negativity or darkness be your comfort blanket. And it’s like even if you try to tell people, they just don’t get it, they would think that you are being melodramatic or being an attention seeker for claiming depression.

I just hope that this post is my first step to combating this. I don’t know why, but I still feel that it’s my fault for falling into depression. That I could have done something.

Easily irritable

The weekend before the week was not at all dull nor stressful, yet somehow the moment I entered the office for the morning’s discussion, I ended up getting all riled up and having the greatest urge to just walk out of the office for the entire day. Well, it’s not that I am not allowed to since I am technically on leave today. But rather I cannot because I have WORK to do.

Yea I know right, what frame of mind was I in when I decided to apply for leave and yet still have work to do?! Trust me when I say I have no idea at all. -_-‘”

It’s such a pain. I wonder when I can truly put down the work at hand and just stay at home for a continuous stretch of a few days so that I can clear my mind or something. With only 15 days left, I really don’t want the year to end on such an irritable mood. Urgh.