I thought I was feeling a tad better but I guess not. Just a couple ago, I had an implosion of emotions followed by a crazy explosion episode. I had moments of clarity during the episode where I asked myself, what on earth was I trying to achieve from the outburst, which became buried in the feelings of despair and self-blame.
I don’t know what am I doing anymore. I just can’t. Just can’t find that grip on my sanity and clear thinking. Just over something “small” and I made mountains out of it. Just barely 2 days till the new year and I am still like a ship heading for the rocks.
I tried to keep faith that things would become better, that somehow I would have a grip on things and remain optimistic about anything and whatever. But melancholy somehow triumph this round. Activities that I tried to partake in only succeed to serve as distractions for the stuff that made me feel upset previously; superficial distractions which could not shield me from the pettiness of others, resulting in my episode today.
I don’t know what good there is for me to keep fighting this. It’s like it will keep coming back, and I don’t know how much more can I control my actions so much so that they are restricted to outbursts only.
As ridiculous as it might sound, but I keep having the feeling that I am the cause of all things negative happening. I really just want to hole up somewhere, hiding from the surface of the world that I know of. Just be somewhere anonymous and maybe try again. But there are so many attachments that I feel are important for me to hold on to them and just try to make them work.
I guess in the end I am reverting back to the times when I was with my ex. The times when things started to get rough with him and with my family and with the grades. I started to question myself, my very own existence, the importance of it; and before I could even do anything about such negativity, the relationship went sour. So essentially, I never learnt how to cope with self-doubt, self-blame and self-destruction in that sense.
I tried talking it out to my family (part of them), but guess it’s hard to understand the feeling per se. Or perhaps, it is just that anything they said were just not taken in and made relevant. With the latter being some kind of choice issue.
I want out so badly.