It’s been a while since I penned anything down; in some ways, I guess I have to admit that I don’t really miss putting my thoughts into the written. Somehow, it just makes everything feels cast in stone, that I HAVE to face the day-to-day hopes (dashed or thriving), responsibilities and also loneliness. There isn’t a single day that I am alone, but it’s the loneliness I feel every single time.
Halfway into the first paragraph and I already feel like stopping… It’s rather unkind of how I am treating myself, being all negative when things haven’t yet gotten into that negative state. Being all closed up and afraid to open up to people both inside or outside my circle. To many, I guess I appear rather happy-go-lucky, just getting by being cheeky and comfortable with people around, but deep inside, I just want to escape from it all, perhaps to go on a solo trip somewhere nice. Yet, I am scared of taking that first step to plan a solo trip.
My thoughts are shallow. I have no inspiring ways of writing down how I feel or think, just preferring to run. You would think that after so many years, I would have stopped wanting to run? Perhaps the urge has been intensified recently. I want to travel, to maybe gain a different perspective from the people around me, but I worry about money, the things/people/pets that I would have to leave behind. I worry that I am not able to stand on my own two feet, not able to get through the tough times alone. I guess this is the very reason I had chosen not to study aboard when I had the chance, and also the very reason I chose not to let go of a hurting relationship back when I should.
The days and months and years I have spent trying to rebuild who I am, somehow, is starting to get all muddled and unclear. Who I hope to be, what I hope to become, all seemingly lost in a chase which meaning I no longer comprehend. I get caught up in trying to be a someone whom I had pictured once when things didn’t work out then. Guess in a way, pretty much of the things that I’ve been trying to achieve had managed to lock him subconsciously. It’s a bit saddening because I’ve tried not trying to feel empty.
It isn’t that I am missing him, but rather, am missing the idea of an “us”. An idea which I know isn’t a good at all reason to be in this mood. It is an idea. But I am a coward. I had the chance of grasping the idea, but I backed away because I was scared, scared of the reaction I had. For someone who had been living most of her life in books, in dreams, when good things happen, I kinda freeze up until the good thing just pass me by. And when such things do get by me, I end up being slightly bitter and cynical in my thoughts. That’s why this is sad. I can’t seem to catch that break of positiveness which I promised myself time and time again.
I wonder if I still have it in me to keep chasing…… and hopefully I would know what I am chasing and hold on to it without doubting.